The Apple iPad is the Suckiest Hyped-Up Product in History

Image courtesy of Visual Punch

So the iPad’s here, is it? Well the iPad can fuck right off. Let’s get the obvious shit out of the way with first.

  • It’s a giant iPhone.
  • It doesn’t have a camera.
  • Or multitasking.
  • Or USB.
  • Or flash.
  • It costs twice as much as a netbook,
  • it does half as much,
  • and it doesn’t have a keyboard.
  • It’s got a 4:3 aspect ratio…
  • and a 90s-tastic 1024×768 native resolution.

In other words, it’s a barrel of shite with a rather nice touchy-feely interface. But somehow every other reviewer in the land is being paid stacks of cash or freebies or blow jobs or whatever to rave about this overpriced digital doorstop. Lucky for you then that someone at apple forgot to grease ol’ Chad’s palm or spit-shine his cock, so I’m gonna tell it to you like it really is.

The reason why the iPad sucks isn’t its lacklustre feature set. It’s because it takes away your ability to create. If you buy an iPad, you are buying into a fundamental power shift in the user / device paradigm.

You are no longer a creator. You are a consumer.

Apple founded its reputation on being the creative’s choice. Long before it became the machine to be seen posing with while sipping your non-fat latte and working on your god-awful rom-com screenplay lovingly based on your own life, Macs were machines for graphic designers and musicians and other creative types who wanted to get shit done.

Then Apple turned evil. It started out small, with the iPod. But make no bones about it, this is where it started. The iPod is solely a consumption device. It’s to consume media. More than that, it’s a feed to encourage you to buy media. Remember when everyone used to just share music on tape or CD or Napster or Soulseek? Well, now you’ve got the shiny Apple iTunes store selling tracks at a ridiculous price for something that isn’t even real, taking an enormous cut, and basically dictating the direction of the music industry.

The iPad is Apple’s attempt to dominate the publishing industry in exactly the same way. Think about it. These fuckers want you to consume your books and your magazines on the iPad. That’s what it’s been designed to do, supposedly, if you believe the reviews, more or less perfectly. But do we really want Apple controlling our digital futures?

People rail against Murdoch for being monopolistic and attempting to dominate markets. Doesn’t the iTunes store now have more or less a stranglehold on the music industry? Apple aren’t the good guys any more, folks. They’re the evil empire pushing the little guy around. Just because they make shiny quasi-futuristic devices that look great and are easy to snort coke off, doesn’t make them the nice guys.

Think about digital bookstores. No more sharing your favourite book with your friend. You can’t just lend them your dog eared paperback. How’d you lend a DRM protected, encrypted file? Heck, knowing Apple’s track history, you probably won’t even be able to cut and paste.

The iPad is a device designed to get you to spend more money.

Think about the “app store” and the “app” revolution. What a crock of shit. You’re all a bunch of fucking asswipe dummies. 90% of “apps” are just a repackaged way of requesting, receiving and displaying data from the internet. And you’re paying through the teeth for the “convenience” of it.

Apple is a closed platform, folks. That means they’re in control of it. They control what gets uploaded to the app store and what gets deleted — if it’s got questionable content, it’s gone. If Apple had a similar stranglehold on the publishing industry, what else might get deleted? Would Lady Chatterley’s Lover be facing a new obscenity trial in the digital age — with judge, jury and executioner being some faceless suit at Apple HQ?

Basically, the iPad is shit. It’s a shit expensive portable monitor designed to encourage you to buy more shit, like apps to view newspapers and magazines that are available for free right now online anyway. The iPad isn’t designed so you can create. It’s designed to encourage you to consume. It’s like having an advert in the palm of your hand all the time.

Oh, and it can’t do Flash.

Chad Fanstor

Further reading:


  1. On t'Fence says:

    What an idiot you truly are!! Total tool…

  2. Chad Fanstor says:

    Shut up, fanboy. Surprised you can even take Steve Jobs cock out of your mouth for long enough to insult me.

    If you wanna pay five hundred quid for a crippled semi-netbook, be my guest. Personally, I’d rather spend two hundred quid on a netbook and spend the rest on hookers.

    Enjoy your flash-less, porn-less, closed system computing.


  3. Goncho666 says:

    The sad fact is that Crapple has got enough shit for brains ( Intellect of a five year old )adults to queue up and throw millions of dollars/pounds/yen at this fucking god awful money vacuum. If this device raped them repeatedly and in turn gave an incurable disease to each of their friends and family- these fucking morons would still queue by the thousands to by into the bullshit dream that is life in the crapple universe. As long as it’s “sexy and shiny” Do you people even fucking listen to yourselves. A piece of plastic is described as sexy??? The human race is fucking losing it! In fact the more I am confronted by these morons the more I am starting to understand exactly what got Adolf Hitler started!! Wake up you fucking morons!

  4. Maurice Smith says:

    This gave me a great laugh…nice to get a bit of commentary with the gloves off sometimes.
    I like your comment about the shift away from being a creatives’ tool….
    Seems to have gone un-noticed somehow.
    Perhaps their (Apples’s) secret is that they are able to brainwash us into taking on whatever they decide.
    One thing I just don’t get….their profit margin is huge….yet their competition is by and large pretty lame.

  5. Ed says:

    This shit is funny, specially the comments section. Great article, I wish I read it before I got my stupid cock fucking iPad. I have always used apple products and I cannot really deal with computers, pc’s or anything that runs with windows. Couple weeks ago my MacBook stopped working and later on i was told that fixing it will cost me around $1,000 bucks at least. I wanted to shit my pants. So since I was in the store I urgently needed something to check emails and stuff. Never thought I would get a whole load of shit and disappointment in one product. I have never complained about apple products, apps, software except for the faking battery chargers, but this fucking iPad can’t do shit, I fucking hate it and I only wanna throw it thru my window and hit someone who opposes to this comment.

  6. big dave says:

    Anyway as I was saying I can’t agree enough that the ipad has froze 9 times in the last two weeks, and yes you are right we are consumers
    led into an egotistical world of apps, wireless headsets, self fullfillment and bragging rights.

    But fact is, it pisses my neighbours off, when they see my imac, iphone, ipad boxes I leave near my bin it makes it look as if i have more disposable income than Donald Trump. In addition to that it makes me look intelligent, and having a dell inspiron notebook box next to my rubbish does not have the same effect, in fact I wouldn’t use one for notes.!

    With regard to your damning verdict of the ipad, I know I’m a moron for buying it, but fact is, its looks good and when your married
    you have fuck all else to do, but negotiate the various free porn sites on offer, and lets face it porn looks better when its not on an iphone.

    In fact I am waiting for Apple to launch a 60 inch ipad that I can carry around so everyone can see it, and quantify further how much money I have, fuck it I may even drop it..for a laugh and leave it there…

    I reckon your jealous that you dont have one and your slow as fuck PC, or Notebook, cant give you the sexual prescence you crave..

    Oh I love Pc’s, its great when you hit the start button and they take 25 minutes to load the desktop, than when it does some aggravating antivirus window stays there for a fucking eternity. Remember this one thing when you bought your laptop, it was loaded with programs designed to sell you stuff, this is not an apple, orange, banana, or grape thing..this is sales.

    Yes Apple are ignorant greedy fucking bastards, that take no notice of feedback, but hey what ya gonna do..

  7. Chernobyl says:

    Totally agreeing with this. You pay half of the price just for “brand”, and another half – for a shitty device, that can do basically nothing compared to other 3x cheaper ones on the market.

  8. Yvy says:

    Oh yes.

  9. rofl says:

    apple products are lame, if they didnt have huge advertising schemes/propaganda every where no one would buy the junk as its not very open software and the hardware can be purchased cheaper

  10. The iPad sucks huge hairy donkey ballz !!! I had to pay $0,99 for a wanky “app” just to read my own fucking PDF and I can’t even directly copy my own files onto it, I have to sync with fucking iTunes !!! Fuck that ! The only thing that prevented me from smashing that motherfucking piss of iShit against a sturdy toilet is the depressing fact I just had paid $600 for the latest model :'(

  11. I pad is the biggest load of shite that I have ever bought, it has the cheek to tell me what I can or can’t do with something I have paid for, I would advise anyone considering buying one to forget it and buy a Samsung. (APPLE ? NO WONDER EVE FUCKED UP THE WORLD WITH ONE)

  12. Fucked says:

    I fucking hate ipads. I hope steve gets cancer for creating such a fucking shit thing. I hope cunts out there suck vaginas and lick sluts. Go fuck yourselves and cut ur heads open.

  13. Ricky says:

    And to complete the clique look, here are some tiny buttons in a stupid location so that turning down the volume requires up to 4 rotations. Uh, I see you turned your device off again accidentally.

  14. Ricky says:

    As for correcting auto text! Clique is chic.